at least THEY reject people…

If only Match could implement the same weeding-out process:

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No thanks??? FAIL of the day

I would like to take a moment to acknowledge the “Dating FAIL of the day”.  This category is new, but perhaps J would agree, there are plenty of opportunities to be nominated for such an honor, and we should give them the respect they deserve!  So, please join me J, and others in the blogsphere, and let us congratulate Cal for being the most unattractive dude of the day:

CATEGORY:   Unattractive initial contact email

“you think we can talk for a while, just until you can find some time off, so we can meet and i can KICK YOUR BUTTIE in a nice eeassie game of bowling.:)”

Um… No thanks? LOL What? But that’s not cute!  I’m laughing AT you not WITH you, unfortunately.  *sigh*

-CR

The form FAIL letter

Due to encouragement from the spectators of my dating life (i.e. my friends), I have not canceled my membership due to the last posting.  I still have to say though that I’m really tripping out about it. I can’t believe that he listed me as someone that could contact him!  Equally importantly, he apparently is a thief, and I’m not talking about the piece of candy the child steals when his mom isn’t looking at the check out lane.  Or maybe that’s just my experience when you look up and your nephew is eating candy you know he didn’t have money to purchase! Anyway, I digress. That’s crazy and I’m really taken aback at the whole scenario. Who knows who this clown could have been. He could be the killer!

Anyway though, as a result of the last posting, my screening/ eligibility criteria has gotten very long, which results in many instant rejections.  One such rejection resulted from what clearly is a form letter that this dude sends out. How exactly do I know it is a form letter?? BECAUSE I RECEIVED THE EXACT SAME LETTER THE DAY I JOINED WHICH IS COINCIDENTALLY ONE MONTH AGO TO THE DAY! And the funny thing about that is that he wasn’t “resending” it per se due to lack of a response, because I did respond politely saying something about the age difference (he is 50 lol) and some other unnecessarily polite stuff. Unfortunately for him, his memory fails him for whom he sends his form FAIL letters. The system doesn’t help him on that either because correspondence and connections drop off of your screen after exactly 1 month. So unless you send a copy of your messages to your personal email account, it could be easy to forget to whom you’ve sent a letter… Which makes the form letter so much greater of a FAIL.
This dude receives two thumbs down and a one way ticket to FAIL.

AW HELL NO!

Now, you know I don’t like to start cursing, but I have to interrupt chronicle to tell you a AW HELL NO story that is most definitely related.

My next MATCH story was about this dude that ended up being a jerk. He told me I needed help with my diction just because I wasn’t speaking like I was giving a dissertation on something or acting like I needed to impress him.   Do you know that I attend the #1 school in the nation in my area? I didn’t get in here sounding like Elmer Fudd, and I’m certainly not full of myself.  He also said I am full of myself because I didn’t want to deal with his after midnight visit attempt nonsense.  FAIL!!  But that’s not the kicker. The kicker is that I just got a call from a company in which he listed me as a reference! He listed my name and number, and since 11/12 (it’s 12/5…) he has not returned their merchandise! They called me looking for him as they were putting in the stolen property report! AW HELL NO!  I think I’m officially done. TODAY. IT is damned official.

How Failery Begins… and Ends

After impulsively putting together a profile, complete with interest specifications, I waited patiently (i.e. a few hours) for my first “biter”, while also doing a little searching of my own.  It didn’t take long for a youngster of less than 25 years with no profile picture to wink at me although it clearly states that I am interested in a very narrow thirty something age range.  From the suggestion of the site, I decided not to simply ignore the wink from the youngster, but to select “no thanks” as a response. I guess that fired him up because he then emails saying, “I am turning 25 in a couple of days and my age is not me. I inherited a gigantic house and I also have many cars so my age does not show my maturity of success in life. But thank you for your careful conmsideration.” (end quote).

Um… Ok… as if him telling me about some damn cars and a house was going to make me reconsider. Ooh wait, you have houses and cars. What’s your number???  Still being new to the craziness, I decided to send a friendly response about how he was correct about the age issue, but that it wasn’t personal against him (the stranger) but was my personal preference.  I also threw in some well wishes and congratulations on his successes thus far.

Clearly that wasn’t enough because he responds again with this: “I know it’s not but it hurts when you ar truly interested in someone and don’t get a chance because of your age. I would love to get to know you and why no get to know me. The best things in life usually appear from places unexpected trust me I know. Call me now (insert telephone number).”

My responding ended at that point but I still received a few more bitter emails after that.  Somebody get the cane…

Needless to say, I ignored any undesired winks after that.

FAILBOAT! Ready for departure! ALL ABOARD!

Well, since I had sworn off men (and I still have by the way), my friends suggested that some friendly, male companionship might take my mind off of my ex. I had been ranting to all of them about him for months, and I’m sure each and every one of them were two minutes away from slapping the skin off of my face in frustration from hearing the same stories over and over again. So, I decided to join my friend (despite her stories) in the online dating world. This was an experience that lasted all of 4 days. I couldn’t take it. I had to hide my profile after merely 4 days because crazy was coming at me from all directions and it was really overwhelming.  My friends say that I need to get myself back out there, but really, I had enough crazy from those four days to last several months. And unfortunately, the short experience only served to intensify my absolute non-hate (because I don’t want to say hate, but I want to convey that that might be quite close to my true feelings) toward the general opposite sex. Now, that isn’t to say that I think all men are stupid because I do believe that somewhere out there, one or two non-stupid men may exist. Maybe.

That said, I can’t wait to tell you about the craziest week I have had in a long time. Stay tuned…

date phobic

I don’t know if I can blame Match  for exposing me to the cornucopia of crazies out there, but I feel really burnt out on dating. The sad thing is is that I haven’t really been on that many dates via Match. I spend more time weeding out people I don’t want to meet in person and what’s left over is this half-ass, I-could-give-a-crap attitude towards the ones that I don’t find revolting. I guess you could say that the online dating thing has lowered my bullshit threshold so when I see the slightest hint of tomfoolery on the horizon, I want to run screaming.

Let’s take SJ for example. I started corresponding with him over a week ago. He seemed all right from what I could tell, though I noticed he was pretty direct. After about two emails, he was like, “So where do you want ot take this? Phone or chat?”

I’ll take chat, thanks. As I was telling my friend today, I really don’t like talking on the phone that much. It’s not personal but I have a harder and harder time sitting still for long periods of time and just talking…and this is with people I know and love. So you can imagine that talking to a complete stranger and making small talk sounds as exciting as getting a tax audit.

Anyway, SJ and I  confined our conversations in chat which was helpful, because it helped me see that this dude was a tad clingy. The night before we agreed to meet in person, he kept asking me why I was idle after an exchange. I explained that I was doing other things, which probably included writing one of my latest rants entries on this blog. THEN dude wanted to know what I was doing that night. Apparently he was bored and wanted to come to my neighborhood to hang out, which seemed absurd since we had already agreed to meet the next day and also because I didn’t know him that well and I didn’t want him knowing where I lived. Can you say smothering? So that’s when I told him that I wanted to stay in and chill.

The next morning, I get this voicemail from SJ saying that he was sick and that wouldn’t be able to meet up. Seemed more like an excuse that he pulled up because he felt that I had dissed him by declining an invitation to go out the night before. At that point, I saw it as more of a reprieve, because I already wasn’t feeling him. So I texted him back saying, “No worries” and kept it moving. At that point, I didn’t feel the need to be in touch with him anymore so I pretty  much avoided him on chat and figured I had heard the last of Slim Shady.

By now you should know where this is headed…it never FAILS that when you don’t want to deal with someone, they keep popping up while the people you really do want to be in touch with frequently disappear.  SJ started emailing and calling frantically, profusely apologizing and insisting that he really was sick and hoping that he hadn’t blown my chance with me. At first I just rolled my eyes but then I got the vibe that he was sincere and decided to keep in touch with him. I think it was more out of a pity thing than actually interest because it began to dawn on me that I just wasn’t into this dude (or anyone else for that matter).

So fast forward to this past Saturday when dude pointedly asked me how long we were going to keep this online. That lukewarm apathy towards him had reappeared and I spent most of my time that day avoiding him online (oh, how I love the invisible feature on Yahoo) while he must’ve logged on and off several hundred times that day, sending me texts asking me if I was online or not. So when we asked me if I wanted to meet the next day, I gave a half-assed, “yeah sure.”

By the time Sunday had rolled around and I had finished running around between Queens and Manhattan, I was tired, hot and in no mood to make bullshit conversation with a guy with acute separation anxiety. In addition to that, I couldn’t help but wonder how someone who had been living in New York for only a month could be so quick to hit up the dating scene. When I first moved here, I was more interested in learning how to navigate the subway system.

So I texted SJ and told him that I was exhausted and needed to crash. Most people would’ve picked up on that as a rejection but not SJ. All I got in response was, “So when are we meeting up?” My reply: “I don’t know. Doesn’t look like it’s going to happen because I have a big headache.”

His response? “Well, maybe some coffee will make you feel better!!!”

Okay, dude, you really are not getting it. And the fact that you want me to drag my tired ass all the way across town after I already told you that I wasn’t feeling well tells me that (a) my schedule and my feelings are subordinate to your own, (b) you need constant attention and (c) YOU ARE TOO DAMN CLINGY.

In other words, you FAIL.

I didn’t even respond to that mess. I just turned over on my side and continued on with my nap. After a while, SJ called, asking me if I still wanted to meet  up that night.

*Sigh*

Looks like I’m going to have to take the direct approach because this one is more clueless than George Bush at an economic summit.

he gets an ‘F’ for effort

In reference to pet peeve #8 that I brought up in my previous post, let me tell you a little story about Darrell. Darrell is some 52-year old man who apparently stumbled upon my Match.com profile shortly after I set it up. Back in April, he bestowed yours truly with a wink…which I ignored.

Look, it CLEARLY says in my profile that I don’t want someone that is beyond 40 (and even that difference seems a big leap for me) so what in the world makes you think that I want to develop a daddy complex on the internet?

Fast forward to last month when I get yet another “wink” from Darrell…which I ignored. AGAIN.

Apparently Darrel figured that if he just sent me a message, I would drop my guard and click my heels in rapturous joy. So I get this message:

My name is Darrell and I live in Manhattan. I am single, never married and have no children. Reviewed your profile and find it quite interesting (attractive). Would like to communicate with you if you are interested. I am an architect, who also likes art and looks forward to starting back at painting and creating sculptures. Inspiration and encouragement is always welcome. Hope to hear from you. Have a wonderful day.

I cannot emphasize enough the “if you are interested” part because it clearly indicates that the choice is up to me as to whether I want to engage this man. And I didn’t.

So I didn’t. Well, I suppose I could’ve just said no thanks but at the time, I was already worn out with too many DATE FAILS, and so I found ignoring his email a lot easier.

But apparently Darrell figured that after eight days and not hearing from me, obviously something had to be wrong with my email account because I wasn’t getting these wonderful messages or maybe I was so overwhelmed his last message, that it was better to reach out again and keep it short. So several days later I get a one-liner of “Have a good day!”

Thanks, Darrell. But I’m still not emailing your 52-year old ass.

“Oh, I know, “Darrell thinks. “I will get her to dialogue with me by acting like I give a rat’s ass about her artwork! She will obviously go for it since this must be the first time someone has asked her about her art career and shown an interest in it.”

So three days later I get the following message:

Do you exhibit your water colors at any galleies or events? How long have you been painting?

Okay, I’d really like to repeat that I HAVE NEVER RESPONDED TO THIS MAN and yet I get this. Obviously this is a case of when:

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But oh, Darrell wasn’t quite done with me yet. A FEW MINUTES LATER he writes again:

Do you exhibit your water colors at any galleries or events? How long have you been painting? When I painted, I usually used acrylics, however occasionally I may have created a water color and added colored markers or other mediums. Have you painted in other mediums, or is water colors your only focus?

At this point, I decided to put this folly-wang chicanery to rest. I was getting sick of reading this dude’s emails. I guess honesty would’ve been best but I really didn’t owe this dude anything and I really wanted him to understand the brush-off so I supplied him one of Match generic replies:

Thanks for writing me, but I have just met someone and want to see how it develops.

By now I should’ve realized that this dunce wasn’t going to go quietly into the night. His old-school ass just had to have the final word and teach this young hipster a lesson or two in etiquette:

Good luck with your someone. However, that does not necessarily provide reason fo ryou to dismiss the questions about your art that I sincerely asked. Anyway, best wishes.

SIT DOWN. [That] Does not provide a reason for dismissing your questions? Oh yes it does, Darrell. You see, I was trying to be nice and usually I choose to ignore such tomfoolery, but now you’ve pissed me off. So here YOU go:

While it’s unfortunate that you feel that I “dismissed” your emails, repeatedly sending me emails doesn’t mean that I should be forced or obligated to respond to them. Furthermore, I question the sincerity of your emails given that you continued to send them in spite of my lack of a response.

Nevertheless, good luck with your search.

There! You happy, Ass-Clown? You’ve got your response now. Just to make sure he wouldn’t give me anymore lip, I pimp-slapped him with a email block so I don’t have to read any more of his nonsense. In the meantime, he needs to start talking to someone closer to his age.  But then again, a grown woman who’s older and in the prime of her life probably doesn’t have time for such foolishness, which might explain why dude is still single.

FAIL.

pet peeves

It baffles and ponders me how so many guys meet the mark when it comes to making a good impression on these online dating sites. What’s even more mind-boggling is how a lot of guys make the same mistakes and seem clueless as to why their approaches constantly FAIL on all levels. My friends and I were saying a while back that it would be great after each date if you could hand a guy an evaluation form that could rate the date and could give the person feedback as to where they went wrong. I have come really close (and the this is still within the realm of possibility) to actually making FAIL cards that I could just fork over to people when they erred. The great thing about FAILcards is that you can write in the reason as to why they FAILED. Of course you may run the risk of getting cussed out and have a flaming projectile hurled at you, but then you’d REALLY know that that person was no good.

But until such a day arrives, I figured I’d just compose a list of pet peeves that I and most women have when it comes to this online dating stuff. Here goes:

1. Dudes winking and emailing me but yet live ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE COUNTRY--My profile clearly states that I want to date somone within 50 miles of New York City. How do you figure that KISSIMEE FLORIDA fits into that radius? Or Houston, or Los Angeles, ENGLAND????. Stop living in denial. I’m not leaving New York for you. There just not enough frequent flyer miles to make it work.

2. Close-ups of your bare torso and even closer shots of your abdomen--I don’t care how ripped you are; that shit is not cute and doesn’t make me want to blow up my PC to email you to get your attention. Bare shirts and the like make you a bimbo and is a sorry attempt to distract me from the fact that you’re about as intellectually stimulating as navel lint.

3. Dudes that are considerably older–If you are over 40 years old, chances are you, you probably shouldn’t be writing me either, no matter how charming you think you are. I would especially appreciate it if the 69 year-old dude from Jamaica, Queens would kindly stop favoriting my profile. I’m beginning to sense a pattern when it comes to that state….

4. Failure to use complete sentences when writing emails or writing profiles. I mean really, how hard is to actually write out “how are you?” We aren’t text-messaging here.

5. Not putting up a profile picture. In a perfect world, where unicorns dance on sugar-coated clouds, and butterflies land on your finger as you hum a merry tune, looks aren’t important, even if you look like you just swooped down from the bell tower. But let’s get real…looks make a difference. I hate to be shallow like that but hell if I’m going to diss you strictly on looks alone, why would you want to date me in the first place? With that said, please do me the courtesy of posting your damn picture. If I can go to the trouble to do it, so can you.

6. Saying that “you love to laugh” and “have a good time” in your profile. Um, who doesn’t? Tell me something new.

7. Pictures of you draped with arm around various women. Oh yes…nothing screams “player” like pictures of you wrapped around some done-up chick at the club with, both of you clutching beer bottles and drinks.

8. Repeatedly emailing/winking in the hopes that you’ll “wear me down”. Okay, if I didn’t respond to you the first, second, third, fourth, fifth time….the SIXTH TIME AIN’T THE CHARM. I am not interested, do not pass go, do not collect $200….just chart a course and set sail for FAIL.

9. Peeping Toms. These ones really irk me. I get these dudes who will repeatedly look at my profile for months on end but yet never write. Ever. And then when you take the initiative to write them, they never respond but still stare at your profile to no end. It just makes me cringe when I think about why they keep doing that. Ugh.

10. Ego. This can take on many forms but whatever the case, it’s really irritating. So far, it seems that ego manifests in dudes having to one-up you when it comes to your education, how many countries you’ve been too, how much money you make, etc. The typical response from ego-trippers is to interrupt you every time you speak, counter with how you were planning on doing the same thing, except ten times better or just say, “Interesting” and continue ranting about how wonderful you are.

Yes, my dear readers, all of these add up to a massive pile of FAIL. Heed and take note.

Dream FAIL

After hearing about my friend’s new blog, I had to get in on it as I couldn’t have the dating foolishness that is shared on this blog limited to that in New York. We know full well that there is much more foolishness to be shared! I haven’t even told J about this one…

Last week, I had a peculiar dream about my dear friend J. In the dream, she called me, beaming with excitement and enthusiasm to say, “CONSTANT! I have wonderful news!!

Hearing the happiness in her voice, I excitedly respond, “Oh wonderful, girl! What’s up?” That’s when she dropped the bomb.

She says, “I’m getting married to STUPID GUY #127.”

A short pause from the dream: Stupid Guy #127, SG, as we shall call him, is this dude J dated in undergrad who she once brought just as enthusiastically with her on a visit to my undergraduate alma mater. We, including his best friend who went to my school, spent the weekend visiting, playing board games, and having a pretty good time. After they left, I kept in touch with SG’s best friend, as I was still in my “Oh I’m friendly to everyone” short-lived phase. We know that’s long gone though! But at any rate, kept in touch, had coffee, hung out, whatever. SIX measly days later after J and SG had gone back to school, I found out that SG’s friend and I had been dating and that he wanted to consider me his girlfriend! I HAD KNOWN HIM FOR LESS THAN A WEEK AND I DIDN’T THINK WE WERE DATING!! I also realized we were dating a second time when the school year ended and he says, “What will happen to us after graduation” as we were graduating and going on to greener pastures. I say, “Oh, yeah we’ll keep in touch! Why?” He responds, “Well Constant, we’ve been dating for 6 months!” Once again, I didn’t know. I thought we were just friends, as that imaginary friend line had never been crossed, but whatever. Anyway, I say all of that to say that you are the company you keep (isn’t that what they say anyway?) and SG was also full of foolishness.

After J revealed her news, I was completely speechless. When I gathered my thoughts, I said, “Well, I didn’t realize that you two were in contact considering how things fell off back in the day.”

She says, “Oh well, we weren’t.”

I reacted with even more disbelief. “Excuse me??

She adds, “Oh yes, I don’t know where he got my number, but he just called me out of the blue, and asked to come over. Since what happened between us happened so long ago I figured why not, and told him to come on by. When he got there we talked, and next thing you know, he was on one knee proposing to me! HE HAD THE RING AND EVERYTHING!”

“Oh my God! What did you say?”

“I said, ‘Yes!’ of course!”

“Um… Do you think this is a good idea? You guys haven’t been in contact for nearly 10 years!”

Unfortunately, my friendly concern offended my dear friend, and she was very upset, wondering why I couldn’t just be happy for her, and she goes off on me, says some crude words, talks about how I was jealous of her and just wished that this happened to me, adds something about me being self-centered and selfish, and hung up the phone. I woke up at that moment. The dream was so real that I was wondering after I had gotten out of the bed and while sleepily brushing my teeth, how she could do this without taking some time to get to know him again. I also wanted her to find out if he was still as stupid as he was before. After a few hours, I realized that I had only had a bad dream when she told me about her new “Date Fail” blog. *WHEW!!!*